I'm angry, I'm really f&*king angry
right now.
This is my body and my life and I accept that I have
challenges to go through to fight my cancer. I can take all this and
move forward and keep going on with treatment and surrender more time
in my life to make sure I have a life.
What I am pissed off about is that my
kids have to suffer with me. My 16 year old who asks me 3-4 times a
day “Mom are you ok?” or “How are you feeling?” While he is
still excited to be able to get a job and take drivers ed in school,
he worries about me. He shouldn't have to worry about his mother, he
should be able to be the teenager he is and not carry with him the
troubles of having a sick mother.
I'm angry because when I do try to do
something special, like take them to the Renaissance Faire, we cannot
do all the things we would like to do because I am having a bad
health day. I push myself to try to make sure they do have some fun but end up leaving early having done only 1/2 the things we would have liked to do.
When my 8 year old asks about doing some activity, I
hate saying “We will have to see how I feel that day.” I hate for
them to miss out on stuff that young people should be able to do
because I am sick.
This is the suckiest part of being a
cancer patient. Not what you are going through because when it comes
down to it, you get up every day and deal with the sickness and the
pain and push on but my kids didn't sign up for that. My kids deserve
to be able to be kids and have something close to normal.
I've tried as best I could to still
take them places and do things that they want but often they don't
get the full experience of whatever we do because I just cannot stand
for that long or I am over whelming tired and pushed myself to even
get there.
My kids have been amazingly
understanding but they shouldn't need to be. They deserve some
semblance of normal. I try as hard as I can to do all I can for them
and try to make things as normal as possible but mostly it doesn't
feel good enough. I push myself when I know I should probably be
resting and I know there is no way to prevent the impact of my cancer
on my kids but I try to keep it as controlled as I possibly can. I
try to find activities to do that will not be as taxing on me but it
just doesn't feel good enough.
The 8 year old starts soccer this week.
I want to take him to every practice and every game and show him that
I will be there for him. Make sure he knows he can count on me. I'm
worried though as I will be heading back to treatment how I will
manage this. When I signed him up, I didn't know and now I have to
make the best of it.
I am angry because I want to be the mom
my kids deserve, not the mom who is sick.
I feel your pain. I know you didn't write this to get sympathy, but to get it off of your chest. I sit and watch my adult daughter who has days when getting out of bed isn't an option. She watches as her step dad takes her son here and there. It's not what she signed up for and you didn't sign up for this either. My heart goes out to you and the others who have to deal with the same crap. Hang in there. Oh, one more thing, even on days my daughter doesn't feel well, she finds things to do with her son, simple things like him eating his dinner in her room, or sitting and watching a video together. You are still the mom and kids appreciate the time spent with you, even if you are curled in bed with pain and they are sitting next to you finishing their homework.
ReplyDeleteBrandy… I was 12 when I lost my momma to cancer.. The last thing I would have ever wanted was for her to worry or be angry about how it was affecting me.. I knew she was fighting the biggest battle of her life and had nothing but admiration for her for being so brave. I remember one Easter she insisted that my dad take her, my sister and I to go shopping for Easter dresses. She had lost her ability to speak and pointed and smiled at the dresses she liked and wanted us to get.. what a sad but great memory.. I pray for you every night. Lifting you up to God and believe with all of my heart that you are going to be healed and watch your children and your grandchildren grow up. I felt the same way when my cousin was laying in a hospital bed, weighing only 80 lbs, with cancer and fighting for her life just 6 months after having given birth to a beautiful baby girl. She just got back from taking her two grandchildren to Hawaii and dotes on her great grand baby with another one on the way. You too are going to be a miracle.. To show people what God CAN and WILL do! Just please don't beat yourself up as to how this is affecting your children. They do not want this.. They want you to stay focused on feeling better which leads to getting better.. Try and stay in your "happy" place.. Big Big Love to you.. XOX
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